Trust me, I really hate making these sorts of entries, but there are times when I really have to vent and just be . . . I don't know . . . something. I am having an extremely difficult time coping with myself currently and have reverted to a way of thinking that I haven't experienced in a number of years. Maybe I just need to become accustomed to the fact that failure is a perpetual part of my life and that I will never truly rise above it. Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist when it comes to my professional life. Or maybe I just have one of those personalities that sets me up for failure from the very beginning.

This all probably stems down to one thing: My current job. When I go there, I live in perpetual fear of making the smallest mistake because I know that if I do, I will get cussed out and belittled for it later. I have been told I'm "incompetent," "not successful," and a range of other things. My boss never opens up the needed communication to come to a solution, but would rather paint me the idiot because he is never wrong in anything he does. Now, I KNOW that the mistakes I have made come from a lack of proper training on anything I do there -- I have been left to fend for myself and learn for myself. If I fuck up along the way, it's entirely my fault.

My mother says that I can't let his thoughts define me and I KNOW that, but coming from a background of clinical anxiety, depression, and a lifetime of esteem problems, it's still extremely difficult to overcome. I am doing my best to apply to other jobs to get out of the one I'm currently in, but thus far haven't had any success. Every turn-down I receive makes me wonder what's wrong with me and why people won't hire me. The analytical side of me keeps saying that it's because of the economy, it's because you just didn't have the perfect skillset they were looking for, it's because of this, it's because of that . . . but it's my emotional side that just won't shut the fuck up.

As I said, it's been years since I've had an issue this bad. The last time was when I was a freshman in college in 2002. Ever since then I've managed to pull myself mostly above it.

I do have a temp job currently that I am enjoying, but the one I mentioned before has scarred me to the point that I panic if I make a small, human mistake. This job only lasts for another couple of weeks and then after that, my current boss only has me scheduled for five hours each week. I offered to take over some empty shifts, but he scheduled someone else in and even tweaked the schedule around to where he didn't HAVE to have anyone but her working.

This is why I have found it difficult to spend my energy on art (which I also feel as if I must not be that great at) or anything else. I still have two commissions sitting around that I've been scribbling at much more slowly than I typically would.

Trust me, I would LOVE to quit my current job . . . but my partner's freelance editing gig stopped sending her work without giving her any warning. We are both flopping about in a nonexistent jobmarket, hoping beyond hope that we can make our bills and mortgage. After this temp job ends, that five hours a week at $7 an hour is the only income we'll have other than help from family.

I apologize for all this shit.